how the fuck are you today?
well today i am left wondering about double contingency, double jeopardy, the double bind, and prejudice. i have been working on a document that i want to be absolutely to the point, and what i know is that there is not way that I am going to get it right in one fell swoop...
that is how i am. then there are the men in my life: son, brother, father, lovers, friends, colleagues and the grocer down the road. somehow they all contribute to this life, and i happen to not treat them with indifference, although on many an occasion i have wished that i could. but where are the women in my life? good question. all my life i have felt a bit lonely in this world without women, or with women bent on putting an ice pick on my forehead or stabbing me in the back in one way or another. i have a few women friends and they are precious in my web of relationships, however on the whole, i tend to be damn careful when engaging in a relationship with a woman. they tend to behave in ways that i am incapable of comprehending, much less predict, and even worse value or be inspired by. so, i have stuck with men as friends not as a rule, but as an experiential fact.
now i have a therapist, she is a woman. come to think of it, there are a couple more women in key positions in my web of relationships right now. this is damn new, and this is good.
so, a few days ago i get an email from my own mother, the master of manipulation in knifes and ice picks, and the mail is all sweet and wonderful, and i am asking myself what the fuck is going on. i cut and paste the email to my brother on skype, and we are both going "uh?"
then last night i was on the phone with a friend of mine, male, man, lover, partner in the crime of being alive and kicking, and we end up on this very issue on how to deal with such crap. my crap, his crap, or that thing that we call sharing life. all that i have learned about myself and the way to deal with other's aggressions is to meet that aggression with the same spirit that i meet the love that others give me. if past resentment, or guilt is being expressed in either aggression or clumsy behaviour, i make an effort to place myself in that frame of mind and spirit of being on the accepting end of another's love. it is damn difficult to do. it requires practice, lots of practice, and often i have failed. i have to understand none of it, even if often i can make some educated conjectures as to what is going on. still, most of the time human behaviour remains an incredible adventure ready to give me a surprise or a shot of adrenaline any time.
kindness between lovers seems obvious. kindness between enemies does not seem obvious. can you meet the ugly expression of past history with the same spirit that you meet the love of another with whom there is no past?
so, how am i?
damned if i know, but i am here and my feet are beginning to touch the ground again. i like the taste of change, it is like ecstasy, it is frightening.
Technorati Tags: acceptance, aggression, behaviour, being, change, choice, compassion, ecstasy, man, woman
