struggling with damned feelings of guilt. damned they are. my ego is throwing fits; funny, hilarious fits they are! my throat feels like a sewer and my voice is gone and is starting to come back. responsibility is nothing that i want to deal with today. fuck it all kind of mood. it is summer, and what a time to have a flu!
i am not happy. i am not unhappy. the concept of happiness is either foreign to me or incomprehensible.
a friend of mine told me today that i make him happy. i was particularly unimpressed by his revelation. i know that in his world happiness exists. in the world that we share, he is happy, and i am awed by it all and incapable of calling it anything other than sharing life. he brought me three beautiful scented roses, we had a hurried lunch, and then it was back to work. this hurried lunch was a bit about nourishment for the body and a whole lot of nourishment for the soul. we needed to talk, we needed to reassure each other of our loyalty. i was in argumentative and significant mood. this happens to me when i get tired of human drama, be that drama mine or another's. i find human drama ever so boring and draining, it nags on what is most beautiful in life, serenity. whenever i hold such deep and meaningful speeches as i held today to my friend, i always need to listen really carefully, usually there is much good counsel in them which i can use myself.
the biggest drama queen that i have ever know is my father, he is closely followed by my mother, his wife, the two form a unit, i call it the indivisible gemini. these two rejoice in being kicked in the face by life, so they do everything that they can to be kept in the role of victims. it would be pretty pathetic if it was not such a scam. whose scam? the ego' scam? well, i do not know if the ego really exists other than as a good concept to understand the human condition and its addiction to pain. which ever way one choses to look at it, my parents have their act together when it come to drama. of course, we kids have brilliant supporting roles in this drama that i insist on turning into a comedy. well, i prefer comedy, and it is all a matter of point of view anyhow. in our parents eyes, we are both failures, and our sister died as a child. my brother failed in becoming the next bill gates, and i failed in becoming the next albert einstein or marrying donald trump. your pick, we failed. my brother now has gone into einstein's field, physics, and i do what i can as a physicist, writer or just fucked up artist. i do not have a husband, much less a donald trump, and i also do not have a career that that be displayed in a vanity curio. i have collected unemployment, lived on social welfare, earned money like a mad maniac, and i keep on not having anything material to show for all the richness in the adventures of my life. fuck performance, if you are a drama queen, then performance is yours at all levels: the world is a stage and the audience is to be manipulated by your act. brilliant!
being a drama queen works well in our society. i remember once in college when i was trying to get out of a rental contract on campus. i tried reason, it did not work. i brought out the tears and the drama, and i was out of that contract in no time at all. it felt good at the time, i was barely twenty years old. youth is a wonderful excuse for lack of wisdom. in retrospect i do not think that it was a particularly impressive performance on my side, and yes, it did change the course of my life. one consequence is that i landed right back in europe, but then, i wanted that and did not know how to ask for it. rouse worked, the drunken ego got its way once more. that was then.
so, you tell me, why is it that when my life starts to flow in just the direction that i have dreamt about, i start feeling all this crap about guilt? this one has got me by the balls now. yes, by the balls. that is how i am now.
last night provided other surprises, it had all the qualities that i call surreal. a friend rang me up on skype, and we had a fantastic conversation that evoked one commitment that i had made to myself during a conversation that we had had long long ago. my ego has been having a few challenges, and when it feels challenged it starts to want to throw a fit or two. the call last night however was a timely reminder of all that it takes to calm my ego. it takes a caress expressed by the love and affection of one who reads through me and deep down into my being. i like being transparent, yet we both find it damned uncomfortable for it exists at that place where serenity and ecstasy meet each other.
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