cellular dynamata

i knew that this day would come. i had no idea that it would be here already today.

this blog started with a letter to family, friends, and fools. that is for you reading this now, that is for me. i wrote this for myself. i have written it with great joy as each time that necessity struck, i sat down, and poured out my soul over the answer to the question of "how are you today?"

it has been an adventure since october 1, 2004 when i first started this repository for uninvited guests, that is, my feelings. that is always how they have felt, uninvited. who invited all of these in my life? who invited all of you in my life?

why did i feel the necessity to deposit those uninvited guests anywhere? why would i choose the kitchen sink? historical it was. the uninvited guests have however served me well here, and they have been my companion in making my dreams reality.

you see, i had a dream not long ago, in november last year. i dreamt with a man whose intellect truly fascinated me, except that i did not dream of his intellect, i dreamt of him, i dreamt of the man. that dream that i had about that man has become reality. although i could not immediately grasp what was happening with me these past weeks, another dream, the dream, my dream also became my reality.

this man represents an abstract gem, and abstract gems are beyond words, descriptions or time. this man, this gem, is very real to me. he embraced me, we kissed, we loved and i have dared to love him. i opened up the door wide open, and i unhinged the door. i told him what i had never told anyone before, i learned one fundamental lesson, my lesson, that lesson about trusting myself, that lesson about being free, that lesson of no compromises, that lesson of really wanting it all. all. that lesson of just being me.

then just a few hours ago i dared, i asked one of you to tell me. you told me. it is true.

now schemata needs to be finished, and schemata was the story that almost killed me. i needed this place to be safe, lest schemata would get me. farewell. this is all for now here. i not only found the man of my dreams and let him free, i found my dream in my reality. it was here all along.

this blog is now closed.

 

the monk

my son asked me how i am doing some hours ago. we talked on the phone for quite a while, he listened, we even laughed, i also cried.

it was 4 in the morning here and we were speaking across 9 time zones. i miss him so very much that sometimes it wants to break my heart. he has grown up beyond any expectation that i ever had of him, and all that i ever wished for him is that he find that which is truly his, his self-expression. i think that he has.

this is stronger than anything that i have ever felt, and i do know what i am feeling, for reasons beyond my deepest affection for my son, i shall not travel to see him now, i will wait until his summer vacation, and then i do hope that he will come here. however hope is often a bad companion, so we will see.

i am both overwhelmed by emotions and by work. i have never fought so hard with both of these at the same time. my need for silence has became very intense, and yet when i do speak in public, i vanish. it happened yesterday. i found myself in a public discussion about human rights, and in that culture i am attuned to the meta communication, i knew that i was expected to contribute, it was an expectation that is also an acknowledgment of acceptance and reverence, but i also attended the event unprepared to speak. i took the microphone and i began to speak, i was the first speaker, and i asked a question that i generated right there and then by looking into the public, and it was a question that came from my heart. the question started the discussion and the answer satisfied not only my own personal curiosity, but it also addressed a very pertinent question to the audience. i do like it when i am this much in tune with an audience and truly belong to the group. i like the sense of belonging that i had yesterday. i was deeply touched. tears come very easily these days.

however that is how i have been walking around since november... my heart is wide open. i had no idea that it would be like this when i embraced this journey of mine. i have a few more uncomfortable questions to ask of myself and those around me in the days ahead. i also know what it is that i am feeling, yet i have absolutely no words that can even begin to appropriately describe it. i am feeling spent and fully alive as though i had just been born, have no past, no memories, no ego, no psyche, nothing at all. it is an awesome and daunting place to be, and i really had no clue of any of this. i may have just used some words, i may have tried to convey this feeling that engulfs me now, yet is is all so pale and faint compared to the immensity of what i am present to. it is time for me to give up the fight and surrender is here. call it destiny, call it fate, or just call it my life.

i was afraid and i embraced that fear. i dared, i finally dared. there is much that i do not understand and i feel truly humbled. destiny and fate have been so generous and kind to me, and i have been so very slow in accepting their gifts!

me, the slow... ever so slow i am. yet, what an extraordinary gift this slowness of mine is.

i am here. the monk is here.

the silence is returning.

 

drift

it is that i just miss my son. he called this morning, we spoke briefly and now i am calm again. sometimes he is really difficult or close to impossible to get on the phone, like this weekend. today i called his cell phone, and he returned the call. it is good to hear his calm voice and his concern is touching.

when i read the ensemble of what i have published in last couple of days, and what i emailed, there are apparent contradictions, however these are just apparent. i also sense that the days when i can indulge in producing so much noise are coming to a close, there is simply too much drift in what i am doing, and i want to focus.

i sense that there is a barrier that is starting to dissolve the instant that i surrender to what is.

the silence and the serenity are starting to return.

 

transitions

i continue to be exhausted to the point that it is starting to worry me. tomorrow it is my family doctor that is going to get a call, not just my therapist, both of whom are physicians.

today i worked on a couple of writing projects one of which is consuming me at an alarming rate. i do not like this one bit, and i do suspect that i known where the problem is.

absolutely needed to talk with a good friend tonight. a wonderful one in paris had the time, and it did me a world of good to be listened to and to cry a bit on his shoulder. sometimes i need a strong shoulder to cry on, i am so very tired of being strong and brave.

the blogging here may again suffer a bit of disruption while i am putting out a few fires.

 

it is late

it really is late!

once more it is 3 in the morning and i am exhausted. i worked on three writing projects today, one of which sort of snowed in due to an altered emotional state orchestrated by a much too shattered ego. i think it is my ego that needs a massage these days, not this blog. got to glue the ego beast back together and give it a lesson in docility. a sadomasochistic exploration may be in order for this ego of mine, and then it may not. whatever, i will take it by surprise. i am ruthless, they say. whatever it needs this ego of mine needs a bit of love, it is just the expression of that love that i have not yet figured out. how do you express ruthless love?

so, how am i?

ah, i have never been better, and i have taken on challenges that i thought that i would never even think of. have been having a few rough conversations with some family members to only go on and cry on the shoulders of other family members. have been much too distracted by this bit of falling in love. once more, this is really tiring!

i am also compassionately tired of family. still, they are a drain on occasions, and there have been days recently when i would have gladly continued my role of orphan, still how could they possibly know the magnitude of my own delusion? it could be that it is not family that is tiring me, it is people in general. it could be that my social animal has found its true desire to be anti-social, asocial and in general not connected. at this point, i would not put any money in any of it.

i was recently at two big events where more than five hundred people gathered at each. i have been in an observing mode, and when i have intervened or said anything i have been a bit of a bully, or a reckless fool. i do wonder what it is that i am trying to do, and what on earth it is that i am trying to prove, and to whom. i am fine with this, i do like the exploration part of the adventure.

then there is this matter of falling in love, it is nagging at me. this time he is indeed a true gem, but then they always are. like all gems they never reflect light the same way twice, there is always a different sparkle that catches my eye. he is no diamond this one, diamonds are not forever, they are meta-stable carbon, this one is an abstract gem, and abstract gems are beyond words, descriptions or time.

i like it when i fall in love and my body does not get too terribly involved, or better, does not participate at all. this abstract gem however is full-bodied, and i am the damned fool who really does not understand what is going on. my body is trying to tell me something, and at this point, i really do not understand its language. years and years of tantra and martial arts, and my body still manages to present me with a symbolism that i have yet to decipher. i am puzzled to say the least. this revolution is however a quiet one. it could be that it is the quietness that is so new to me. it could be that it is the stillness and serenity of it that has my ego throwing fits every once in a while.

life is simple, really. there is nothing to do. there is no meaning to decipher, there are just stories to write. "schemata" comes to mind. how dearly i have struggled with this story! i wonder why i have had to struggle with this one so very much. it is a story that i have fallen in love with, and it is a story that i have became obsessed with. i wonder if i really want to finish it. would this story finish me? and if it finished me, which part of me would it finish?

oh, i am well. but do the qualifiers really matter? since when have i cared for superlatives? i do not like them, i like absolutes. i like absolutes and i like the irony of it all. i return to that abstract gem and that very real man representing it. why have i chosen an abstract gem?