ah fuck! how am i?
just a tad in my fucked up mind, that is how i have been. yesterday i started reading and writing on a piece that promises me all sorts of ravenous delights and then i got lost in my mind. some call this normal, the creative process, but i just call it mind fucking.
a couple of days ago i ask a friend of mine if he wanted to torture me a little, he replied with the question if i wanted torture. my immediate thought was that this needed a correction, so i took action. once more i asked if he wanted to torture me, i had not told him that i wanted torture. it took some minutes and then it clicked... yes, but how do i torture you, he asked.
without any context to that little interaction of ours, you are lost in knowing what the facts are, and what could it possibly have meant then. torture, oh and how i like torture! mind fucking is one kind of torture that i can only conjecture that i must like because i end up doing a lot of it. one could say that i indulge in it.
then i realized that the kind of torture that i explained to my friend the other day had nothing with mind fucking and much more with tickling my senses and making all traces of thought disappear. right now i feel that i am in the process of deconstructing torture in some way or other. torture and choice. i am ready to give up. i give up.
i have had it with all this mind fucking activity of thinking what would be better, what priorities are, what responsibilities are and all that crap. as a matter of fact i am a bit tired of belly button contemplation. sometimes it is good to lose one's mind, or at least to let it loose for a while. after all, the mind and the intellect are not as useless and insipid as one might want to make it in the popular self-help regurgitations of spiritual salvation by self-proclaimed gurus. yeah, i sometimes read that stuff, and sometimes there is even something good to take out of it.
fuck this, it is time for going to training. i am in one hell of a fucked up mood, i like these moods: ravenous!
