we were traveling together, that is, he was doing the "wife's program" to entertain himself with while i was in the conferences, i had asked him to come to europe with me this time, it was his first time in europe, and i had quite a charged program, and did not want to travel alone, although traveling alone is my preferred mode of travel. this time was different, i felt that i needed company, and that i needed a good friend with me. my intuition served me right, shortly after this celebrated conversation along the shoreline, one evening i got a queasy feeling and called home in california, my father had had an heart attack and my son was ill, i then was very glad to not be alone, and that he was there just to be with me, do nothing, just re-anchor me to life again.
that summer found me exhausted from the tribulations of academic life, legal hassles and the needs of a first grader. during this trip, one early summer evening, my friend and i were strolling along the beach in juan-les-pins when i asked him if he had an explanation for the fact that we never had sexual intercourse together. granted that it was a blunt question, but we had known each other for many years, we have shared confidences of all sorts, cried on each other's shoulder a few times when life's disappointments hit us unprepared, and we had shared many a night at the rialto watching the kind of movies hollywood does not produce.
it was not the bluntness of my question that got him, that he was used to. he stops on his tracks, turns around and looks at me with the kind of look that could kill, opens his eyes wide and says "that men forget, i know, but that a woman forgets?" for the rest of the evening, i heard nothing but reproaches, of all kinds, but in particular about my sex life, my morals and women in general. i had no difficulty in listening to all of it. it does not take a genius to realize that such a blunder hits a man's pride way down deep. all i could ask was, but when did it happen? after he refreshed my memory, i recalled the incident, and i recalled why i had erased it from my memory. we are fortunate to have a friendship that can weather this kind of assault into our delusions, and whenever i needed a friend he was there, even after this conversation.
after the week in the south of france we went on to vienna, in austria, for my next conference, and there we did not only share living quarters, we were sharing an hotel bed. i think i had the easy and enjoyable part of this aspect of our being together during this trip, i am blessed with being able to sleep well under most circumstances. one early morning he comes to my side of the bed, and without ado, pomp or ceremony, he made sure that this time i would not forget.
from then on i have always wondered why men only treat women with all the power that they need when they have a little grudge to even out.
