wednesday, 23rd of march, 2005
yesterday when i turned on my swiss mobile phone i had a voice message from a dearest friend who lives in germany. our relationship during the last two decades has evolved from perfect strangers, to best of friends passing through him being my communication trainer, my coach, colleagues, confidants, and friends of the unconditional variety. we follow each other's lives with great interest, and somehow neither one misses a beat although in the past couple of years we have not had much face to face contact.
after i heard his message, i returned the call and left a voice message. today i was at the farmer's market when his call reached me and we shared about what is going on. i had hoped he would come to join me here for a few days, but at this point he already had made plans to visit his mother this weekend. i sometimes wonder what makes this relationship of ours so magic and so free of complications. after all nothing is too simple with the two of us. yesterday after one of those crazy days that we all have, in the evening he went to a blues concert, he loves the blues, and does play a mean guitar himself. next week he has some work in germany, afterwards over the weekend is visiting friends in munich, and then he's off to south africa for some work again for a few days. i for my part also spend a fair amount of time tending to my family when i am not busy trying to figure out what i am doing on this earth. in between we meet and fall into each other's arms, it is heaven on earth. if i had to point at what makes such a relationship possible, it has to be respect and autonomy. besides that we both love the blues and have a commitment to authenticity.
after having spent some hours yesterday with my aunt conversing on the subject of family relationships, hearing my blues' friend's voice was a loving reminder of how this life is precious and delightful that only amplified the feelings of yesterday. above all i heard myself formulating to him what it was like to have the conversation i had yesterday after i listened to his bubbling about the blues concert last night. yesterday was a rough reality check, and today i needed the caresses of his voice like i need the air i breathe.
love is in the air, they say? who said that?
on days when i feel that i totally suck at descriptive narrative, i know that i am only exercising my fingers on the keyboard. living out loud is one of those challenges that i have embraced and that has me in trance more often than i realize.
thinking of my blues friend in germany, and thinking that he is blond and has blue eyes, does make it clear to me that such physical attributes are totally irrelevant on the grand scale of things. yet, i have on occasions said that i have a weakness for blond men with blue eyes. what a bad lie that one ends up being! but which part of it is a lie? i think of my very male and very wonderful muses, and hardly one would fit the description of such imaginary creatures. it is not a lie that i have a weakness. oh, at least one, and surely more than one.
still, i am back to the question of why it is that i resist admitting being in love. of my friends, there are several men in whose arms i would not hesitate to fall and close my eyes, let myself be held and caressed and just forget the world out there for that time being of a few shared breaths. i both resist and i confess to being in love, this is my paradox.
look at me smiling now...
guilt and responsibility are indeed two heavy chapters for just one book.
