<< i resist as though my life would end if ever i would admit to it, i have fallen in love. my ratio argues with my psyche that i do not know what falling in love is, that i have never been in love, and that if i were in love, i would not know how to recognize it. my being denies the comedy, in my heart there is compassion.
i try to deny it, and i try to console myself with the numbers, the affection, and the warmth of those who surround me. so much so, that in my denial, i search for the nurturance of those who unconditionally take me in their arms. yet, how long can i deceive myself? how long do i want to deceive myself?
i thought that i did not fear death. i am wrong. to admit to have fallen in love, feels like imminent death. the thought that i have fallen in love, scares me. what is going on?
he gets totally under my skin. i want to run away. i open my eyes, and i do not want to see what is in front of me, i resort to triangulation. is this desperation? is triangulation one of my ego's guises? it is not the first time. is this my resilience to surrender? now, how do i let go of that? how? oh, i know. i know a lot of things. knowledge and action are not the same thing. knowledge is no prerequisite to action, or to no action.
i am still there, being a little girl, and wanting be taken by strong arms. i want to hear words of unconditional respect, and acceptance, and it is not because i do not have the self confidence or self respect that i need just to be alive. why, what is this then? i do not need reassurance, yet i seek it.
he did nothing, i let him get under my skin, once more. this is not denial, this is surrender. is it like six years ago, when in the hallway of the atelier i asked "why me?" and before i had intoned the question, i knew the answer... >>
"the monk's silence is the inspiration that you seek"
