the story of not being a victim, and being happy.
you, the family, friends and fools who know me, you are those that have touched my skin at one time or another, you know that i would rather be in quarteira right now. in spite of all my desires, i chose to be here, in berne, right now.
the votes are cast, and i hope i have no surprises by the time this evening is over, and that my life will not have another major change in it, like being elected to the city parliament. nothing against being in the city parliament, but somehow, although i accepted to be nominated by my party, an election would bring a major breakdown in my life. i do have a good relationship to breakdowns, after all, i do like to fix what is not working.
this morning i went to cast my own ballot: the 3 federal issues were fairly important, stem cell research being one of them. afterwards i walked down to the matte, as i often do to access what i call "my beach" by the aare. half-way down i heard this older lady with her tiny dog, she must have been well over 70, asking in a rather panicky voice where the "wasserwerkegasse 2" was. the people passing by her totally ignored her. i was on the other side of the street, and crossed to her side. she was somehow disoriented, i told her that she was close, about 200 meters from where she wanted to be, and in which direction to go. i was walking in the same direction, she slowly, and surely found her way. she never said thank you, but then, she was rather frightened that she had lost her way. judging from her accent, she was a local. this is berne.
i sit here writing this and realize that i have passed up on my party's invitation to be at a local restaurant wooing the sirens of national television. since my last tv appearance i have come to realize that the only thing that surpasses my lack of desire to have one, is my lack of desire to be in it. christmas is approaching, and i am getting more and more like the scrooge on all issues.
recently, about one month ago, i ended up hugging one fellow whom, about three years ago i would have rather stung unconscientious, a former colleague. how we got to be in each other's arms is in itself quite a bit of a story, one could also call it serendipity. he comes to mind right now for several reasons reasons: one, although i had serious differences of opinion with the colleague, he and i have been able to appreciate those differences and grow past them; secondly, somebody else with the same first name as he, often got all confused as to what the nature of my conflict with his name sake thus creating a total mess of what could have been something beautiful. projections can be very powerful, but if you can not distinguish what is projection and what is not, just throw in the towel, you lost. you can not win, until you concede that you have lost.
it could be that, for all the powers that be, my middle name is "blank canvas." often, i end up being that screen where a lot of unclaimed projections get thrown at. i can not control what others do or not do, but i do have some control on how fast i can move out of the way, and in what direction i redirect those projection energies thrown at me. this morning there was this smiling face of that clown, also known as a man with a few vices, looking at me. it was impersonal. he is in new york now, but his self-portrait is again on my desk since thursday, and i did go to my desk first thing on getting up this morning for some reason that is already forgotten, like good reasons ought to be. nobody can make me fall on my nose faster than this man with a few vices, but then... that is another story. still the reminder of that ease, kindness, and mercilessness that all are so his, so authentic, and so inspiring, is still being written. yes, writing the reminder of ease, kindness and mercilessness is another way of expressing the quest for authenticity.
in thinking of my choice to be here, writing to my friends, in a rather impersonal, albeit very direct and immediate way, rather than to be in a hip place, read, neoclassical boring, with lots of self proclaimed super cool people flirting with tv cameras, i am reminded of those wonderful accusations that the doctor just wants to be in the middle of the spotlight. well, the accuser has come to recant his accusation, and the doctor -- that is me -- does not like incoherent bright lights, she used to work with lasers!
form, she said form. i am looking into form.
