where is it, that feeling that all is well, where has it gone to?
the picture on the frame on my desk changes almost every week; and it cycles back to those faces that i have grown accustomed to. those thus framed are people who in some way or other inspire me, people whose life somehow has touched or touches my own insignificance. i am discovering that i like people's faces, looking at them live and looking at them in pictures.
this week it is the picture of a friend who lives in germany, an architect. i have spoken with him twice this year, first it was in january when i was lost in the throws of untangling the mess that "the man" and i had managed to create of a relationship that was nothing but a dichotomy in interpretations. i called him last january because i desperately needed the sound of his voice to remind me of what a good relationship is like, and to reassure me that my memories were not deluding me. he was there, he was exhausted and burned out, and he was there to listen and talk to me, to tell me when he did not understand what i was trying to say, to tell me when he understood, he listened. since then, i have written a book and he has become a father, we talked last night again.
relationships are the web of my life. i am not quite sure that i grasp what i write, i spend a lot of time alone, and i do not go out looking for people to talk to, i am happy doing my work in my solitude. when i go out is because i have work to do and need to meet people outside of my office or because i go to my trainings and these do occur within a social context, with people. when i return home, i am happy to again be home alone. when i have a client and we are in a conversation, i am present to the conversation and what is present, it is as though i did not exist, and that i only exist when i am alone.
within all of this, the conversation last night brought a lot of warmth, rekindled a feeling that all is well, and that life is one great and wondrous adventure. there is nothing missing, i feel connected and part of it all, and i am alone. i think of the last time that we saw each other and felt the warmth of each other's skin in that last kiss in basle about six years ago. then, it was the parting of two people who will for ever love one another and that, in spite of their desires, were able to let each other go, to part, and to remain connected. looking back, there is nothing that i would want to change to what was then and to what is now. no regrets.
a child is born!
