drift

it is that i just miss my son. he called this morning, we spoke briefly and now i am calm again. sometimes he is really difficult or close to impossible to get on the phone, like this weekend. today i called his cell phone, and he returned the call. it is good to hear his calm voice and his concern is touching.

when i read the ensemble of what i have published in last couple of days, and what i emailed, there are apparent contradictions, however these are just apparent. i also sense that the days when i can indulge in producing so much noise are coming to a close, there is simply too much drift in what i am doing, and i want to focus.

i sense that there is a barrier that is starting to dissolve the instant that i surrender to what is.

the silence and the serenity are starting to return.

 

schemata

each time i look back at my life i always wonder how i managed to do what i did. i don't feel like an hero, i feel like a fool. although some people would like to accuse me of trying to control everything around me, i end up questioning the accuracy of the perception of one making such a non-postulate assertion. control is something that i may wish for, which i have no handle on. it is not that madness reigns, i just wonder why i enter all these adventures in my life. it is only now that i begin to address the question of what it is i want, although this is a question that i have often asked myself and for a long time. up to now there has been much too much noise, whatever the source of the noise, it has been there, it has been distracting, and i have given in to any and every distraction that smiled or frowned at me in any way imaginable.

and to think that i have just began... it is indeed fascinating.