my son asked me how i am doing some hours ago. we talked on the phone for quite a while, he listened, we even laughed, i also cried.
it was 4 in the morning here and we were speaking across 9 time zones. i miss him so very much that sometimes it wants to break my heart. he has grown up beyond any expectation that i ever had of him, and all that i ever wished for him is that he find that which is truly his, his self-expression. i think that he has.
this is stronger than anything that i have ever felt, and i do know what i am feeling, for reasons beyond my deepest affection for my son, i shall not travel to see him now, i will wait until his summer vacation, and then i do hope that he will come here. however hope is often a bad companion, so we will see.
i am both overwhelmed by emotions and by work. i have never fought so hard with both of these at the same time. my need for silence has became very intense, and yet when i do speak in public, i vanish. it happened yesterday. i found myself in a public discussion about human rights, and in that culture i am attuned to the meta communication, i knew that i was expected to contribute, it was an expectation that is also an acknowledgment of acceptance and reverence, but i also attended the event unprepared to speak. i took the microphone and i began to speak, i was the first speaker, and i asked a question that i generated right there and then by looking into the public, and it was a question that came from my heart. the question started the discussion and the answer satisfied not only my own personal curiosity, but it also addressed a very pertinent question to the audience. i do like it when i am this much in tune with an audience and truly belong to the group. i like the sense of belonging that i had yesterday. i was deeply touched. tears come very easily these days.
however that is how i have been walking around since november... my heart is wide open. i had no idea that it would be like this when i embraced this journey of mine. i have a few more uncomfortable questions to ask of myself and those around me in the days ahead. i also know what it is that i am feeling, yet i have absolutely no words that can even begin to appropriately describe it. i am feeling spent and fully alive as though i had just been born, have no past, no memories, no ego, no psyche, nothing at all. it is an awesome and daunting place to be, and i really had no clue of any of this. i may have just used some words, i may have tried to convey this feeling that engulfs me now, yet is is all so pale and faint compared to the immensity of what i am present to. it is time for me to give up the fight and surrender is here. call it destiny, call it fate, or just call it my life.
i was afraid and i embraced that fear. i dared, i finally dared. there is much that i do not understand and i feel truly humbled. destiny and fate have been so generous and kind to me, and i have been so very slow in accepting their gifts!
me, the slow... ever so slow i am. yet, what an extraordinary gift this slowness of mine is.
i am here. the monk is here.
the silence is returning.
