it really is late!
once more it is 3 in the morning and i am exhausted. i worked on three writing projects today, one of which sort of snowed in due to an altered emotional state orchestrated by a much too shattered ego. i think it is my ego that needs a massage these days, not this blog. got to glue the ego beast back together and give it a lesson in docility. a sadomasochistic exploration may be in order for this ego of mine, and then it may not. whatever, i will take it by surprise. i am ruthless, they say. whatever it needs this ego of mine needs a bit of love, it is just the expression of that love that i have not yet figured out. how do you express ruthless love?
so, how am i?
ah, i have never been better, and i have taken on challenges that i thought that i would never even think of. have been having a few rough conversations with some family members to only go on and cry on the shoulders of other family members. have been much too distracted by this bit of falling in love. once more, this is really tiring!
i am also compassionately tired of family. still, they are a drain on occasions, and there have been days recently when i would have gladly continued my role of orphan, still how could they possibly know the magnitude of my own delusion? it could be that it is not family that is tiring me, it is people in general. it could be that my social animal has found its true desire to be anti-social, asocial and in general not connected. at this point, i would not put any money in any of it.
i was recently at two big events where more than five hundred people gathered at each. i have been in an observing mode, and when i have intervened or said anything i have been a bit of a bully, or a reckless fool. i do wonder what it is that i am trying to do, and what on earth it is that i am trying to prove, and to whom. i am fine with this, i do like the exploration part of the adventure.
then there is this matter of falling in love, it is nagging at me. this time he is indeed a true gem, but then they always are. like all gems they never reflect light the same way twice, there is always a different sparkle that catches my eye. he is no diamond this one, diamonds are not forever, they are meta-stable carbon, this one is an abstract gem, and abstract gems are beyond words, descriptions or time.
i like it when i fall in love and my body does not get too terribly involved, or better, does not participate at all. this abstract gem however is full-bodied, and i am the damned fool who really does not understand what is going on. my body is trying to tell me something, and at this point, i really do not understand its language. years and years of tantra and martial arts, and my body still manages to present me with a symbolism that i have yet to decipher. i am puzzled to say the least. this revolution is however a quiet one. it could be that it is the quietness that is so new to me. it could be that it is the stillness and serenity of it that has my ego throwing fits every once in a while.
life is simple, really. there is nothing to do. there is no meaning to decipher, there are just stories to write. "schemata" comes to mind. how dearly i have struggled with this story! i wonder why i have had to struggle with this one so very much. it is a story that i have fallen in love with, and it is a story that i have became obsessed with. i wonder if i really want to finish it. would this story finish me? and if it finished me, which part of me would it finish?
oh, i am well. but do the qualifiers really matter? since when have i cared for superlatives? i do not like them, i like absolutes. i like absolutes and i like the irony of it all. i return to that abstract gem and that very real man representing it. why have i chosen an abstract gem?
