i got home this afternoon feeling on the edge of it all. i called it emotional pain. i turned on the computer and opened the instant messenger program, my faithful friend in montana was online. we started exchanging sentences, ping this, pong that... in the midst of such an attack of totally uninvited guests, emotions, it was good to get anchored in some exchange with a long time friend.
i wonder what is really going on. i had a busy weekend complete with intellectual debate, philosophical musings, the discovery of paul klee's paintings, my curiosity about his journals. all of sunday, i wondered how it is that it has taken me so long to discover this painter, and i was in awe as to how deeply his works can touch me. in part i know, i was not ready until now. there is nothing like out of town guests to discover the local treasures. indeed i am very fortunate.
monday was here before i knew it. i got up at 5, and i would have rather turned around and gone back to sleep. not an option, not today. tomorrow also promises to keep me busy. all i have is now.
while i did not feel like talking to my friend whom i have known since my teen years, and i was happy to just exchange deep, meaningful, pregnant, and loose sentences with him, i was delighted spending two hours talking with somebody whom i do not know, and could not see, on the phone. imagine that on the other side there is this melodious voice, and that there is nothing to lose and nothing to gain, nothing to distract me, just the words, the tone, the rhythm of the conversation... yet you have the possibility of writing a new story, a real one, not fiction. what do you do?
i wonder what it is that i am seeking? is it admiration? is it understanding? is it warmth? is it comfort? is it acknowledgment? is it affirmation? is it validation? am i even looking for something at all?
"At this point, it seems to me that the best one can ever do with another, is to experience the other. I certainly have no idea if I will ever know who i am, much less whom another might be. The experiencing, the interaction, the sharing, that is what makes life the wonderful wonder that it is."
once again i find myself right back in that immense plane of my struggles, that plane threatens to be an arid plain, for in this life of mine, in this being in love with it all, in this loving of existence, i am about to lose something familiarly stubborn, abusive and destructive, i am about to surrender to that which has frightened me for so long. first, there is all this emotional pain embracing me, and then i want to cry, just cry. i do not want to find myself in the arms of a muse and be held, i want to cry alone in my solitude, for alone i have been all of this life, alone i shall be of all of this life, yet nothing will be as it was before.
that two hour conversation that i so much wished for, with that specific person, was essential. when the phone rang i had some expectation of my brother being on the other side, and some hope of it being who it was. was that all that i wanted? i wanted to think out loud, i wanted to be liked, i wanted to be wanted, and i wanted nothing at all. i wanted to dare to just be me. when i hung up the phone, i was feeling raw, vulnerable and totally exposed. that is fine, that is how it is, that is me. it is complex, yet simple.
i found myself being confusing and imprecise, i found myself trying to interpret silence, and i found myself to be overwhelming, even to myself. i found myself vaulting over all preconceptions of what ought to be and should be, and i found myself being just me. oh... me.
i do not like emotional pain, yet, this is how this wound is going to heal, and how the broken bone is going to mend. somehow it reminds me of the process of cleaning out the cellar after years and years of neglect, it is a mess, there is nothing else to do other than put on protective gear, wear gloves and start cleaning. it is not a glamourous job, it is a necessary one.
oh... and you wanted to know how i am.
is it not that we are born complete?
