i had a day of rest. had one long long call with my brother, he needed to talk to me, i needed to talk to him. we talked about psychotherapy, abuse, suicide, life, physics, love, not necessarily in that order. the conversation went for over an hour, if not two, i did lose track of time. by the time i got off the phone it was 11 in the morning. although i got up at 5, there was not much that got done, at least none of what i thought that i needed or wanted to do. the conversation exhausted me somehow, i laid down on the couch in my office, and took a nap. it was past 3 in the afternoon when i woke up. gloria! i must be getting back to being normal me, my sleep cycles are back to 4 hours.
in the midst of all of this, i feel change happening, i think of my angels, my muses, my loves, my passions. i think that today, in all the confusion of doing nothing, i did not do zazen, and that tomorrow is another day.
somebody asked me the other day about my believes? what do i believe in?
i gave him one doubtful side glance, and asked what he understood by belief.
belief is a mental action, condition, or habit, of trusting to or confiding in a person or thing, at least according to the oxford english dictionary. while i am quite ignorant of the bible's detailed contents, in my own bias, i also consider it factually incorrect, while the dictionary is my daily companion and servant, it is also my best friend. frankly i do not know what i believe in. to believe is one powerful instrument, and i prefer to not have it permanently pre-programmed on auto-pilot, i want all the choice in the world about what i believe in. i know that no other mental action is more powerful than belief.
strangely enough my ethics reference book sends me to religion when i look up belief (german, glauben). this is slightly annoying if i forget the true origins of the word, which are unclear, it is either the latin relegere (re-read) or religate (to bind) meaning that its meaning has changed with the contextual cultural bias of the times. this is change. of the many things that surprise me, what surprises me the most, is that i would be witnessing a time when religious fanatics can terrorize the world over with what are rather dark ages, ignorant, and unenlightened interpretations of human destiny or what human rights might be. granted that human rights is a modern day invention, but when we proudly tout iPod's and mobile phones, what is wrong with intellectual innovations such as human rights?
still, you read the charter, you look at what is happening in the world, you look how powerful nations brutalize weaker ones, and you wonder if any of these people ever bothered to read anything like the charter of fundamental rights of the european union?
what does this have to do with me and my personal belief?
one gazillion of a lot!
am i going to leave you there in suspense, and have you wander for a while, you may also wonder, at what it is that i am pointing you to, and let you just struggle? yes. this blog here, once more, is about my own journey, my own self-discovery, my own jihad, my samsara, my life, and i am far from having it all figured out.
so, i gave one doubtful side glance...
and the man in black asked me what it was that i needed to be able to do what i want to do.
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