clearly, i want to die spent. totally spent, physically, mentally, emotionally, and other-wisely... spent. spent and without excuses describes the ideal state to die.
this is how i want to die after i have done what "i" want to do, and experienced what "i" want to experience. i am tired of mind fucking, i am tired of being accused of being an intellectual. to me there is no greater insult than to be called an intellectual. an intellectual! that is that abstract concept that the dictionary defines first as the power or faculty of knowing as distinguished from the power to feel and to will. i am hard on intellectuals today, they are those people who can rime a few things together in a pseudo-theoretical prescriptive fashion (or fad). they can string together a set of fallacies, gossip, misinformation, or propaganda in some plausible, fictitious way, and then go around selling it as though it was wisdom. somehow, seen in that light it is a club that i do not want to belong to. call me in intellectual, and you will meet the wrath of my vanity, call me a whore, and i will think about it!
sometimes it seems like it takes me forever to get to the other side of what i am trying to get through. the last couple of months have been that way, and i am not out of the hole just yet. i call it a hole, but it is what others call a plateau. it requires a lot of patience, and a great relationship with frustration to go through this and come out on the other side ripping the benefits of pure dedication, failure and a desire to transcend it.
