blogging has been light on all fronts for the past week. i am scared. i have also written preciously little on my writing projects, and the only writing that i have done has been on my personal hand written journals. to cite a friend of mine, i have been going through deep and dark matter of the soul, the kind of crap that you do not wish to confront dead or alive.
can i translate this into anything that makes sense? yes, i can. for that you may need to read the story that i am writing now for it is a synthesis of the very dark matter that i am waddling through these days.
so, what is the issue?
the issue is intimacy and the fear of intimacy. it is not like i have not written about this before and like i have not given the subject a few thousand words already, still this is an issue that goes deep, very deep. it could well be that not all of us struggle with it, i know i do, and i know that it does not even look like i do. i also suspect that this is an issue that many people struggle with if i am to look at the statistics of drama in relationships.
did you ever ask yourself why it is that some people in their loneliness find it necessary to form a relationship with a pet, be it a cat or a dog, still a non-human? human relationships have a pervasive quality that can lead to great confusion, mind-fucking, misunderstandings and overall passionate havoc that can lead not only to great frustration or great ecstasy but that can also become completely existential. people kill each other for a variety of reasons, one of them are the so called crimes of passion that range from jealousy to greed and pass through the need to destroy. it sometimes looks like humans have the ability to get infected by psychological rabies and then become totally destructive towards themselves and those around them thus being the perfect self-destructive automaton. a frightening picture of humanity indeed. it is a picture, and it is a way of looking at what happens, still it is not the whole picture of humanity. none the less looking at it is indeed like going through deep and dark matter of the soul. that deep and dark matter of conscientiousness that makes so damn difficult for some to want to even look at it and confront it.
the other side of the coin is that human relationships can also bring you the greatest of all experiences, that of being fully alive and conscientious. we could call that state ecstasy, serenity or enlightenment.
the thing with a dog or cat is that it does not have the ability to get tangled in your psychosis. a cat remains a cat irrespective of how you are, and it will unconditionally give you its affection. it is not like cats do not have their own sensitivities and they can display great discrimination as to whom they are willing to trust and be affectionate with, still they will never get tangled in your own psychosis, or so i contend. if that is so, for many of us, a cat is the ideal relationship partner. all it needs is a bit of food and water and a few stroking caresses in the back.
scared i am of intimacy indeed. not that i do not have very privileged and intimate relationships, but much more that no matter where i am there is always a point where i get comforted with my own limitations. somehow this is about learning to live, and as long as you are alive, you are learning to live. in learning to live, you are living. at least that is how i see life. having embraced a path that i call the path of mastery, i made a choice that is irreversible. irreversible because it is a commitment that i made for myself. having once tasted the serenity and peace that such a path can bring, the only truth that i know is to be found in staying true to myself and the universe. in my book nothing requires greater courage than to stay true to myself. the only way that i can find that courage is by shedding the concept of courage and to remain present to the moment and to my own breath.
