i love rats! rodents. disgusting little vermin that i associate with that so very human and so admirable novel by albert camus, the plague (la peste).
happiness is assigned to having my online dictionaries working, and a slew of reference works which i can consult and intellectually masturbate over. the mice, the rats, and all that sort of stuff, do not terribly excite except for human's abhorrence and repulsion of such living creatures. is such reaction natural? are we reacting naturally when we abhor nature's little creatures classified by the bipedal as rodent? mammals we are, both of us the bipedal and the rodent.
a friend of mine has recently asked me all sorts of good questions about blogging and why i blog. i may have satisfied him in other aspects of our shared weekend, like hiking and cooking, with my answers on this subject i may not have done as well. truth is what it may be, but i really do not know. blogging for me is still very experimental on both the technology, social and writing aspects. why is it important for me to so often share the outpour of feeling, emotions and random mumble jumble coming out of my head through my fingers?
come to think of it, i can manage to come up with a rather plausible and rational explanation for my blogging activities, and that i did in all sincerity with my friend. still, i have no certainty as to the validity of my arguments.
then we proceeded to discuss my relationships with the muses, those that i call my muses. this one issue is even more perplexing than that of my blogging. this friend and i enjoy a very long and sincere friendship - i have quite a few of those - that allows me to ask equally probing questions about his relationships. seeing a lot of my friends struggle recently through all sorts of relational drama, i also asked this very enlightened being, how it felt now that the relationship with his longtime partner has come to an end. i could not have anticipated his answer.
i have lived for over fourteen years in the impression that this was indeed something very special, the kind of relationship that i would never be able to create or share with anybody. he does not have much of a tendency to beat himself over past mistakes, nor of attributing much meaning to what happens, so he just commented that the relationship was basically over within less than two years after it started, however he had something about a commitment and he went through thick and thin with this woman. i remember some of it, i got it served as a side dish on many of our joint dinners. still, i too did not make much of it then, after all, being a friend i listened to my friends long complaints and dissatisfaction. after all it is normal that when two people get involved, things get involved. still, this is the same person who just a few months ago i saw being quite devastated. this is a man whom i have known for many years, and just a few days ago i hear him confess to that feeling that wants to cling on to another human and make a relationship out of it.
this was a shock and a reality check braided into one nice bundle. i thought that i was the only lost soul that has ever ended up in a relationship out of fear of being alone and then went into one big proof of concept exercise called commitment. he did not use these exact words, somehow that is how i understood his commentary. in time he and i will go over the details and dissect the anatomy of this communication in all its gore and glory.
when another friend of mine, and that one i have known much longer, tells me that i need a man in my life, i wonder what he means and why on earth he is thinking this. you need a man to take care of you, he said. do i?
i think that i need an ultra rich uncle to die and name me his sole heir, i could use a bit of real estate and cash. i have no living uncle. all my uncles are dead, i had two. one was a precious and gentle soul who passed away before he was forty, and my other uncle is one that my psyche killed long long ago while in real life he only passed away one year ago. neither was rich, both were survived by a whole bunch children. conclusion, inheritance is not how i am going to get some wealth.
in recent weeks i have found myself commenting to both my therapist and close friends about my stories with men being nothing more than a distraction and sidebar in my life. indeed, sometimes when i look at it, that is what i see. men are sort of amusing distractions, a source of pleasure, an incentive to irritation, and indispensable friends. so, when my good faithful long term friend and colleague in italy tries telling me that i need a man in my life, my immediate reaction is that that is exactly the last of my necessities. there are already too many men in my life is more descriptive of my own call. still, there was something deeply familiar about the fear of being alone and the desperation associated with it. this fear has passed, and may it rest in peace.
these days my fears have another hue. being alone is not an issue. i do not feel alone, i like being by myself. being by myself has become more of a necessity than having company. i love company and often have friends over or visit friends. not all my friends are men, many are. i still have a whole lot of women friends. when i spend time in the middle east, then i spend much more time with women and throughly enjoy those times. so, what is the hue of my most recent edition of fears?
let this be a warning to you all that should you ever venture into psychotherapy, then you may have to part with a lot of popular, useful and worn out concepts as to what it is that humans fear. those fears, are the first layer of the grand-onion that fears end up being. to delve into one's psyche, the meaning machine, torturer and transponder, is to reach into the spirit's turbid waters and mind waste products. it just does not make for a pretty, gentle, or smooth sight. that, after all is the nature of nature. rough, incongruent, abrupt, surprising, changing and unpredictable.
my friend curious about my blogging and i went hiking this weekend. hiking in the alps does not expose anybody to just postcard melancholic looking alpine pastures. the abrupt cliffs and deep gorges, the waterfalls, and the rock-slides are also part of the landscape. there is very little that is particularly gentle about the geological history of the alps, and it is obvious when you walk around or climb the trails. this bit about the gentleness of nature is an idea, a concept, that needs to be disposed of. it is simply wrong. wrong it is and very very romantic.
between muses, men, friends and blogging what is it that i fear these days?
reality.
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