at seven in the morning there is nothing more significant and refreshing than the sound of the blackbird chirping away in the garden while in the evening there is nothing more precious than a cat's sign of affection.
i went to bed last night refreshed by a thunderstorm and nurtured by the neighbor's cat affection. i was gone for two nights and it is my first absence since this young cat has been exploring our garden and insisting each time on coming inside of my office. just before turning in and after the rain subsided i sat outside for a short while taking in the crisp air when that cat slips from under my chair and paws at my sleeve. this is a very young and shy cat who has been courting me and my affection and maintaining the distance all the same, she has not yet been comfortable enough to jump on my lap or stay too long while i stroke her back. reaching for my arm with her sleeve is the biggest advance this cat has ever made in my personal space. i liked the gesture, it meant to me that she had missed not seeing me in past days. did it mean that? no idea. does it matter. not really. but tell me young grasshopper, what does matter?
i was thinking of some of the interactions and events that i had while visiting my friend in italy, and somehow the phrase "crime and punishment" kept on returning to my mind. it seems strange that i can get such a clear picture in my mind associated with this phrase. then i let my mind lose for a little longer and other phrase fragments blunder in. there is something about not taking it personally, and something about missed chances. above all there is that thing about that gut feeling of mine that i have so often vetoed and then superficially regretted that i have done so. if anything, i am starting to recognize resistance when it emerges, and the consequences of my resistance. the crime that i know is giving in to the resistance, and the punishment is nothing more than the consequences of giving in to the resistance and veto my own feelings and desires. while the regret associated with facing the consequences may be superficial since even in the face of confronting consequences there is always a valuable lesson to be learned, there is much more to be learned on the side of no resistance.
it was just a few weeks ago, not even two months, when i was faced with a situation in which reason and resistance were on one side, and my feelings and desires were on another. i chose to not resist those gut feelings of mine, for once vetoed reason, and have been dealing with this unexplainable thing called a sense of guilt, let me call this kind of guilt mental guilt. i suspect that guilt is a brain child devoid of emotion or feeling and by far not endowed with perception.
when i think that sometimes i attribute my good fortune to my ego's insistence in saving my soul, i am now starting to suspect that i have no idea about the workings of my ego, and that indeed i have confused my ego with my very being.
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