black monday, part 2

just got off the phone after a two hour conversation with a wonderful man in my life. he and i were married for a few years in a marriage of convenience that served us both well. we had met some thirteen years ago under the most simple and dramatic of circumstances shortly after our first respective divorces. when we compared notes, we realized that getting married would solve  the remnant legal hassles that we still had pending with our ex-spouses. the marriage served the purpose, and we have had one of the happiest of all divorces ever. when he got married a third time, i went to the wedding. when i call him at home, i ask his now wife to borrow back my husband for a while. when we married, it was a simple civil ceremony, and when we got divorced we went and celebrated with this then girlfriend, now wife. we laughed and joked with the judge about ménage-à-trois during the divorce proceedings, we were complete and happy for the time we could share, it was time to move on.

now, i had not talked to him in the last four years and right now while going through psycho-analysis i am digging up old and very painful wounds. this evening when he started to tell me about seeing his daughter again, soon to be a whole twenty years old, one of the elements of what was so intimately ours dawned on me: something about a little girl. we talked, we shared, we listened. yes, there where the fear is the biggest, that is the path. right now, i am full in the middle of the fear of intimacy. in the middle of it, and being reminded of the miracle of intimacy, all in one day, that is the wonder of it.

if my relationship with my muse is one that allows me to write and work through a story that is not personal, and yet is pieced together from small fragments of my memories, and bits of my imagination, it is also a relationship propelled by both the fear of intimacy and our dire thirst for it. we caress each other's egos, we flirt, we kiss,  we tease, and above all we do not dare. to not dare is to give in to fear, is it not?

i know for my part that i am frightened. will i let fear win?

when i heard our sensei tell us that aikido is a path of self-discovery i knew that it rang true in my ears, and right now i am beginning to appreciate the magnitude and depth of those words. 

i wonder if i will keep on letting good men pass through my life, let them go, and remain alone with my stories?
will i have you and  and be with solitude and muses?
will you accept the communion with my insanity?
will you allow bliss in our lives?

passing through and letting go.
it is impersonal, we just keep on forgetting. that rucksack of yours, it too, it is impersonal. your fear, we share, it is not ours, yet is not mine either, we just share it.

was it not in italy one month ago or so that i said something about the next two months being critical? yes, november is not over yet.

Technorati Tags: fear, fluage, intimacy, muse, path, strasbourg, zen