how am i?

i, little me, how the fuck am i?

let me tell you. it is 16:13 according to my friendly local mac sitting on my lap, and my stomach is growling.

i spent the best part of the morning researching a paper, and i think some circuit overheated and i forgot to eat. then i decided that my dizzy spells were due to lack of fresh air and went for a walk and to return a few empty bottle and aluminium for recycling. a few times i had to hold on to the next anchored object as i felt that i was losing equilibrium and would fall down if i did not steady myself. i stopped at the local grocery store on the way back and bought some food, however i had plenty of food at home. i ate when i arrived home, but i need to slow down and cook myself a good soup, and i am feeling more on speed than on anything else. my stomach keeps on growling, it too must be on speed however it feels like it is on laxatives.

i am slightly confronted with my therapist's assertion that my psyche is doing rather well. although there are still a few psychosomatic mysteries in my physiology, the dirty work is done. indeed the depression is gone, and i remain convinced that that depression was necessary in order to illuminate and deal with childhood traumas that were indeed blocking all my self-expression. it has been an interesting road, but the one ahead promises adventures of another flavour and depth. i am anxious, yes, but the good kind of anxious that gives me inspiration each morning, and makes very clear as to why it is that i get up every morning.

clearly, i do not get up to eat. on the way back from my walk, recycling center and grocery parade, i met somebody whom i had not seen in ages. she said something about me needing to eat, i look very thin. i do not feel very thin, and in comparison to one year ago, i have a couple more kilos. i am however lean, and between my muscles and my skin there is indeed not much of a fat layer.

i am as i am!