images of istanbul flash by, and i wonder what i am doing thinking of the bosporus when my garden beacons the delights of spring and the work yells the imperatives of deadlines. it could be that it has something to do with one crazy weekend that i spent going from turkish bath to turkish bath in orhan pamuk's city just not too long ago. perhaps it is the empty and relieved feeling that came over me one day a few years after my initial weekend quickie on the bosporus that had me thinking that i had finally coped with the latest insurgency of my emotions. perhaps it was that while driving from lisbon to faro just a few weeks ago it occurred to me that dwelling into one's psychology is governed by heisenberg's principle. if you consider that there are two conjugate psychological observables, when you multiply their uncertainties there is always a constant. this constant i call human nature.
the best thought of the day blundered in when i was in the shower, it is something that helped immensely in understanding bonding in chemistry through quantum mechanics. why the fuck am i thinking of quantum mechanics so much? oh, my brother is starting to enter what used to be my most wonderful realm, quantum mechanics, and i am just a tad jealous or else just jogging my memory. so, back to the bitch that my mother turned out to be.
it is my judgement, and while on most good days the nihilist wakes up amnesiac of judgement, today i have my other hat on. i do not know what to call this hat. a friend of mine in college was fond of asking me that all too ruthless question of whether it was true love or true lust. i could never think that anything could be other than true lust, yet he always asked each and every time that i had a date or talked too much about some fellow. another friend of mine, thirty years or so down the road from those college days asks me the question if the one now is "the one." his question gets followed by one of my speeches on how i do not believe in "the one" and all that stuff of 1-1 relationships. we do not live in a desert of relationships in which each mirage of another being is "the one" or the one and only meant, predestined and fated to be ours. this is the trouble with not being possessive, it somehow does not fly too well with our societies mores and prejudices. no, not the one, yet another. then i told my faithful and loyal friend that by all the looks of it, he must be my one. it has been more than thirty years since we first became lovers and we are still talking to each other, we still love and respect each other, and we have deep admiration for one another.
it was in berlin less than one year ago that i had one moment of enlightenment. walking around that glorious city and stage to many human conflicts and dramas, all that i could think of was that it was time to let go of the bitterness. let go of the bitterness, that one voice in my head kept on repeating while i pointed my camera at all those glorious berlin monuments of the past and present. let go of the bitterness!
then, not even three weeks ago, i found myself in front of my parents. i had a question that i needed them to answer. i asked my question, and i got my answer and a token of their disapproval and moral lessons to go with it. then i watched how they disrespectfully argued with each other. when i went to see them two days later, one was sick, the other had calmed down her tone in part. my mother ate some of her harsh words, and the rest is not worth repeating. i had to think good and hard, really think, not just have thoughts as to what all of that had been about and if it meant anything to me and my life then i needed to figure out a few odds and ends about what the fuck it is that i want with this life. after all, by accident or not, this life is mine, only mine. i am starting to understand why so many people see religion in dedicating their life to an abstract god. i have no religion, and my god is very concrete. the buddha is. i own my god. small wonder that i am most amused when one of my indian friends calls me "goddess mine." in a hindu context. goddess mine is indeed appropriate. now what? nothing.
if i am an hurricane, then why is it so calm here where i am? i am at that place where i think that freud had a few bad ideas and another few worth keeping, like clinton, he had a fondness for cigars and odd definitions. remember the berlin motto, it is about letting go of the bitterness. my parents did what they could, and i fail to share their values. should i be bitter about my failure, or should i be bitter about their values not meeting my expectations? it is time to let go of that banana.
still these times are for me times of abundance and times to learn to accept. it is odd, my bank account lives in complete ignorance of the richness of my life. life is good. life is short, damn short. no, i am not in love.
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