those two words are the grand sum total of a pleasurably stormy weekend with lots of fresh air sweeping across the spring meadows of the bernese plains. now let me try to answer the question of how i am and to loop you through the nonlinearities of my life.
to begin with, the good news: i am loosing control of this life of mine. yes loosing control is good news. i am tired of control. i tell my brother this, and he tells me that he hates to tell me this, but that is how mania feels like. i reassure him, i am in good therapeutic hands. i fell safe, safe and out of control. finally.
not yet were the words that one of my friends had for me on saturday when i met him briefly at lunch time on saturday past. not yet what? which friend? what kind of friend? what on earth is going on again?
after too little sleep for two nights in a row and total indulgence i met one of my legal-brained friends at a café near the university. first i indulged in watching 5 DVDs of the first season of the "the sopranos" in one seating staying up through the night and only going to sleep at daybreak on friday. that was prompted by the fact that on thursday evening i ended up at the house of dear friends around the corner, and once again listened to myself go through my laboured complaints of how totally duped i feel, felt. my friend did not know what to say, and i had already had half-litre of beer to quench some odd impulse of mine after a long conversation with a friend in paris - the city - who detailed to me the apparent conflicts in his marriage. in her lack of words of consolation, she thought that my description of my mother was a good match for "livia" in "the sopranos" and handed me the box containing all first season episodes in 6 DVDs. i watched spell bound, she was right. damn good match. my mother just has never conspired to get me wiped out, or so it seems. after all, my meaningless little life was her voucher to wealth. finally i am beginning to understand my ill relationship to money. i owe my very life and existence to it, and somehow i have never been able to fully appreciate my good fortune. my lack of appreciation for the abstract and real value of money has left me at odds and in the poor house. indeed, an ungrateful bitch i am.
after all this, and a week that was much too adventuresome, while on the way to do a few hours of community volunteer work at a local school, i stopped to meet my much too busy legal-brained friend while he took a lunch-break from corrections on his present opus. we are the best of friends, professionally and personally, trust and loyalty define our ties. we updated on our progress and at one point i complained again how i have not yet had the energy to go and get some rewarding work that both pays and i like doing. he said, not yet. i was stunned. yes, not yet.
just at the beginning of march when i moved from the pied-a-terre to the garden there was this one item that needed to be reassembled. this reassembly needs exactly one simple manipulation, and it is easy, super easy. in march i could not deal with it. on thursday i did it in less than 2 minutes and without hesitation. in march i was not yet ready to deal with that simple reassembly. patience is an art at which i am not especially gifted. manipulation of an object is a good thing. manipulation of a human leaves me paralyzed, but that is another story.
it is raining again, and again i am in love with every stone in my garden. patience i am learning.
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