ok, i give up! there is nothing else possible, i must give up. give up and accept that it is the way it is.
my garden is once again covered by snow, and i am not in the mood for such mercurial jokes, even it is april and all. a friend of mine today handed me over an mp3 player that got me excited until i tried loading it with my own stuff, and then discovered that because the freaking machine is infested with DRM software and a few other odd ideas. there is no deal between that mp3 player and my mac. needless to say that apple also plays in this charade a major role in the tragedy act called DRM. somehow this roused mismatch reminds me of some relationships, the plugs fit but the communication is incomplete. incompatible software, we call the problem these days. hardware is always compatible. no fucking!
but it has been one hell of a day. it started with me waking up feeling sick to my stomach. i am not quite sure what caused the nausea, headache and upset stomach. possibly too much imbibing on sunday night or my general overall indigestion due to avoiding dealing with real life problems. oh, yes, i am in the mood for going on a guilt trip, but do not rub your hands together in delight about the upcoming self destructive act of my beating myself to death. flagellation and guilt is for losers, and i may not be a lot of things, but i have never subscribed to the idea that crowns losers. guilt is a strange concept to me. why do people ever feel guilty?
guilt, according to my most trusted little dictionary, the oxford english dictionary, is the state (meriting condemnation and reproach of conscience) of having wilfully committed crime or heinous moral offence; criminality, great culpability. yet for some odd reason i have observed that most people go through a complete guilt trip based on acts that they had no clue would induce any offence moral or otherwise to anybody. then others who so well trained have also taken it upon themselves to go tell others not so well trained to go and feel guilty because they did this or that, and none of it was either criminal, heinous, or otherwise offencive. gee wheez, i am full of it, ain't i? guilt is an emotion! guilt is not just an emotion, it is also one based on belief. i have always suspected that indeed my saviour would be wikipedia. there are days when i feel like being a totally egocentric cynic, today is one of those days. i could not give a fuck anything really, at least today. even the freaking weather is annoying me. yes, there is no other kind of cynic, other than an egocentric one, especially when it snows and the dance in front of the magic mirror is about to start again. mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?
in its over thousand years of existence in the english vocabulary, guilt is one of those rare words whose meaning has not drifted much through time.
it could be that yesterday i had news that made me feel - another freaking nuisance, feelings - that i am just another naive mindless pollyanna trudging obliviously through the currents of our warring times. this time i have been damn lucky, and that is only because i have dear friends who somehow know how to make miracles happen. in a way it is as though a miracle had happened last night, and that may indeed be what had my innards upset.
i am sick and tired of this kitchen sink now. i am sick and tired of all these feelings coming and going. i am most annoyed at all the believes others insist on pouring on me as the wholesale truth.
we all believe in something or other, if nothing else i do believe in my own nihilism, but why on earth impose it on others? are we not free to believe whatever works for each one individually? why must my own belief represent any sort of absolute truth?
i am a nihilist monk.
