continued from part 1
"shebang, the whole shebang" is plainly american slang, north american slang. how did a girl born on the european shores of the atlantic ever end up using north american slang of obscure origin?
la noblesse des sentiments.
sometimes it is one simple gesture that makes a world complete, the world of a woman. in that occasion it was in autumn, and a first cool evening gave a good excuse to light a fire.
depression is a natural coping and growth mechanism, and the child had been freed, the door was open, wide open to the warmth from the fire burning under the chimney. it was last autumn. the story teller arrived knowing that she did not know, she did not even know the woman that she was to discover to be.
the woman, while knowing nothing, knew that to be grown up is to remain a child, and to not know. to be an adult is to discover, not to know, to discover that heaven is on earth and that hell is a state of desperate mindlessness. the only sin this woman and that girl would ever know was to forget the spirit and the nature of all that it is to be human.
an awe of feeling called sinnan, the girl had once written. what remains of a love affair when the ashes in the fireplace are cold? sinnan.
the whole of it: a few days ago the woman found herself talking to a man in montana. the man in montana and her are bound by what can not be written, and by what can not be repeated. the man in montana is lonely, really lonely. she senses his loneliness, and she knows that he will eventually find the resolution to that feeling that we often call loneliness. it is a damned real feeling, it gets you by the guts, the balls, the entrails and it wants to tear you to pieces, it wants to make you disintegrate. sometimes this feelings is so strong that that is exactly what you do: you feel so empty inside and so desperate, so senseless, so worthless, and you go off and write a note and apologize to all in your life, and you jump off the next bridge or take an overdose of this or that. i once knew a man who put a shotgun to his mouth, and i found it rather inconvenient, i lived in the same house.
then there was that moment by the fireplace in autumn, when the woman felt freedom and absolute choice, she calls it paradise. how does a woman find paradise and how is it that the woman does not want to hang on to paradise? paradise is free, it lives in freedom.
the girl searched for the father she never felt, she found him. she found him and the woman made a muse out of him. she wrote poetry. the ego made a plan of greatness and achievements, and nothing of the plan could be implemented. when the ego plans, failure is just around the corner as a bonus.
(to be continued)
