yesterday is gone, today is a fresh new days

i slept well and i went to bed late. i returned home from the evening training yesterday and although i was unsure of what i was doing, i did answer an email that i had gotten three weeks ago and that by some sort of odd circumstances i had not yet answered. not the it was imperative to answer, the question posed was a rather tongue in cheek question, still, it was the right question, at the right time.

frazzled and free i went to training yesterday evening. after every kihon technique i kept looking at the clock,  sure that the hour and a half was infinite and i would be caught in an endless loop of sanbon oi-tsuki. if there are days when i push myself to my limits, yesterday was one of them, and i kept pushing myself beyond my comfort limit, i felt nausea and that vomiting was imminent. i concentrated on breathing and let my body do whatever came. i did not feel like fighting or punching anybody, i just felt like vomiting. i endured, and frankly i do not know if it was a good or a bad thing, it just was that way.

then i sat down at my desk, opened up the computer and felt the impulse to again answer that email. the first time i had spent a good hour composing an answer, and it had landed in the trash bin and accidentally deleted, but even that i am not sure. it could be that it went off and the copy of it is what got deleted. without verification and without a reply from the other side and given some irrational feeling that somehow this person ought to get an answer although i suspect that he does not expect one, i started composing my answer.

when it was all done, the feeling was one of having done that that i needed to do. the frazzled was gone, i felt free. between that email and a long phone conversation at lunch time, that feeling that nothing is in my hands returned. i feel sad and just a bit blue, and very very free. this is nothing that i can really explain. yet i observe how it is my body that somehow works my emotions, and although my own disposition would have me do no physical activity, my body and mind need the movement and the effort of disciplined training. it is not about indulging my wants, or feelings, somehow there is something like need that has me on the mat and training.

i feel, still i am not this cacophony of feelings. what i feel is irrelevant, if not irreverent, towards what i need or want. the past five weeks have been an intense dialogue with myself and an even intenser discovery of who i am and bridging the gap of acceptance and surrender to that very nature which is mine. if i have often felt tired and exhausted in the past, some of it has to do with my resistance towards my own being.

today is a fresh new day!

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