from here to there

this blog will be having a massage until mid february.

that means, no new posts.

greed

it is xmas that is around the corner, all that i can think of is greed and that i hate this season. i hate it even more when i am going to be away from my whole family. my friends are all going to be with their families. i have friends whose families feel like my own and that would welcome me at this time of the year, but it just is not the same thing. i really do not understand what goes through my head at this time of the year. which ever way i slice it, i do not like it. i never liked it. my memories of it are a mess. i never understood what this time of the year is supposed to be about.

i am sitting in one of the local watering holes, and at the table next to me, they are speaking arabic. from the tone, egyptians. a look at their faces tends to support the misr hypothesis. yes, i miss the nile, it is good to hear the speak. it is warm there now. it might even be that next week i take a short hop over there, stay for a few days. get lost in the masses, wear a head-cover and boring unpretentious clothes that do not allow any imagination as to what kind of feminine curves i might have. i really like the anonymity of traditional islamic grab. the funniest thing that i ever saw however was once a man walking in alexandria wearing a white robe and headdress, carrying a bag of groceries on each hand and exhibiting one hell of an hard-on. i just burst out laughing, and it was a good thing that i was not the one driving. so much for the idea of what that kind of dress can hide in a man when there is a bit of wind and the good man did not wear what would have been proper, that is, the long cotton underpants. it was summer, and it was funny, and it has nothing to do with xmas or greed, but a whole lot with the irony of what life is all about.

am i pleading, begging, arguing or just dreaming of getting the hell out of here? it could be.

but what is it that i am trying to escape?

life could not be better. all the indicators are up. i am surrounded by dear dear friends, yet. i am pissed-off. i am in a fighting mood.

tuesday i had a crash of sorts. i had a discussion with one of my colleagues with whom i work intensely and well on a matter that had to do with me and my mimic. i was telling him one thing, and he claimed that my mimic was saying something else. fuck! i actually argued with him that he does not have a clue about my mimic and what it means.

just monday evening i found myself with some like-minded people in a restaurant in another city. among them one whom i particularly like. i had a two hour train ride back home and the discussion was going well, i would have loved to stay longer, and moreover i would have loved to stay with that one particular person. so as it is with these intense geek moments, i asked if i could crash on his couch, he declared having no couch, but a bed. there in front of everybody, and my little wonderful mind told me that was exactly what i wanted, and i gave him a look that he interpreted as reproachful, and all that was going on for me was surprise and sheer embarrassment. look, i do like my private life private, but all of a sudden, it looked like i was arranging to share a bed at the dinner table like a casual affair. i was not ready for it, and then when somebody else offered me a bed, then i realized two things that yes i wanted to share a bed with him and in all likelihood we would end up at the very least talking until the wee-hours and i had a deadline that required my presence back home the next day. after maneuvering myself in such a tight spot, for once i was saved by my own procrastination that required my presence back home, or something like that. i wonder what the real big deal would have been if i would have just accepted his offer. is it not that everybody sooner or later finds out about who is sleeping with whom?

again, my mimic got interpreted in a way that just did not correspond to my internal state by someone who clearly is also on my good side on monday. on tuesday, the same happens in a different context. it just often happens that my face lies. my mimic rarely corresponds to my words. it is damn frustrating and i am pissed-off about it. on occasions my face actually expresses to others what my internal state is, however when it is something about my affections and private life, it does not. i have only recently gotten to the root of this strangeness of mine. it is not a pleasant one.

today i decided that it is time to attend to my needs. why on earth do i ignore my own needs?

and, yes, i am fine, very fine. xmas will pass, it always does.

clogged up

really. that is how things started me on blogging. the kitchen sink on the pied-à-terre was clogged up. i opened it up, and there was no obstruction. that was two and an half years ago. come to think of it, a long time. much has happened, some of it i have discharged right here in the kitchen sink, a lot not.

i have poured my heart out in "fluage" and i have tried to be as sincere as i can when i here attempt to answer the question of how i am. mostly i am, often i find the how a bit irrelevant.

i have been in love i don't know how many times since the blogging started, and that is irrelevant too. i am always in love, mostly with a stone, or with the spiders that share my living space. spiders, i love the spiders unless of course one errs into a place that i claim is mine, and then i get rather basic about it, and the spiders loose. no, i am not a good Buddhist, but then, on days like today, i feel like i am a good nothing. if at least i could be a good thief! alas, not even that!

i am often very sceptical, and there is precious little that i believe in, not even logic, not even maths. it is all abstract, and i love the abstract. love? yes love. love. that too is pretty abstract. what is love? liking, loving, being passionate, being intensely curious. the abstract is my love these days.

i keep a portrait of a friend of mine pinned on a wall because each time that i look at that face and see the representation of that expression that to me exudes calm and serenity, a lot of my fears evaporate. other friends have wondered what it is between him and i and i have found myself a few times tempted to somehow justify my need to be reminded of his existence. it is a need, yes. i do however count my blessings that i have not developed an obsession with him. loving is nothing more than the pleasure of having experienced presence and knowing that for a few moments you have shared existence without the lecherous morpion of possessiveness.

there is nothing harder for me right now than to admit my own needs, and to allow myself these. i pray, i do not believe!