do you still want to know how i am doing?
that is good, your concern would flatter me, if flattery was mine, but i seemed to have lost the value of flattery.
phrases to the tune "global programs to empower young women and create tomorrow's leaders" make me feel cynic, skeptical and bored. I have entered a deep blue funk.
today under the shower i contemplated a possible dialogue on seeing a trusted friend tomorrow. he will ask "how are you?" and i will look him straight in the eye and say, not well. i am in a deep blue funk, deep it is. there are subjects that bring tears to my eyes faster than any control mechanism to prevent them can act. for years, i wished i could cry, but there was nowhere even the remote tinge of an impulse to shed a tear, then this july, within three days, events took place that so jolted my world that i am often in tears, especially when verbalizing the memory of those past wounds. the wounds are not there where some have speculated them to be, there are there exactly where they were created, not in the projection of another on my being.
this thursday after having celebrated a friend's birthday with a few glasses of wine, i ended up with a sleepless night. i turned on the computer and looked at e-mail. of the new messages, two were significant, only because it meant something to have them there during those lonely and perturbing hours of the morning. one mail gave me the idea to do a web search for a man who has contributed in all sorts of unexpected ways to my existence. i found the answer to my question, and i was satisfied, it was as though a conflict that had been seeking resolution had been smoothed and resolved.
the second e-mail that i read that dawn was like a refreshing breeze on a balmy night, a breeze of an elixir that i have yet to accept as real. i was once more, right smack in the face of the question "what do you want really?"
it takes a mathematician to rock my boat, but this boat is already on troubled waters, it could be more that the mathematician was the one who could assert the veracity of the condition. it is perhaps the incontestability of that veracity that gets me wide awake in my sleeplessness and allows me to again peacefully fall asleep and rest.
i have more questions that ever. i am more committed to my muses then i had imagined possible.
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