it is the way it is.
early this morning i got a mail from my brother with the declaration "have power again,"will bother you again later." long story, amusing, and on the grand scale of things, it is not even peanuts.
during the past week so much has happened while time stood still, that i really do not know where to begin.
after the morning aikido training, i went and met with "a man in black" and at one point he asks me "what do you need now to do what you want to do?"
i broke down in tears, and i told him what i really want right now. i told him what it was that i had had enough of, and that now i was very very clear as to what i wanted. i am also clear as to what i need now, although it could hardly be qualified as rational, and certainly it could be qualified as egoism. i really cried, tears rolled down my face, i had to remove my glasses, i could not see a thing, and i was generously crying in this man's office. happiness, sadness, joy? it was emotion pure. emotion is emotion. when i feel strongly about something, it is because i can feel; when the tears roll down my face is because that is the language of emotion. i can not relate to happiness, and i can not relate to sadness, yet i can fell. when i can not cry, i can not feel, nothing is more frustrating to me than the inability to feel, then i have the impression of being more than dead.
it started that he asked me how i am doing. i looked him in the eyes, handed him two envelopes, and mentioned the fact i was there, i have been worse, and i have been better. then our little interaction took not longer than fifteen minutes, his questions, my looking him straight in the face, and me gathering the courage to tell him what i have been brewing for the past few years. i uttered the words, and a weight lifted off my shoulders. emotion, tears, relief, others call this catharsis, i call it freedom. it is not that i know these things, it is that i declare them, and when i first saw the man in black, i said, that there was the man that i had been looking for all my life.
does this make any sense at all? tons, trillions of tons of sense.
I NEEDED A PLACE TO DEPOSIT MY FEELINGS WHILE I AM OUT MAKING DREAMS BE REALITY. THIS IS THE PLACE
it is also a place to thank all of those who express their love for me, not in a personal possessional way, but in a very generous and unconditional way. here goes thanks to my friends:
the photographer in heidelberg
the faithful friend in milano
the legalbrains friend in berne
the wonderful friend in zurich
the man in black
the legal genius in zug
the historian in berne
the playwright in paris
the partner in lausanne
the aikido master in new york
the muse in strasbourg
... and many many more, i just do not have code names for all, and most certainly i am not even going to mention first names.
in what there has been brewing in the past few years, besides those mentioned, those eclipsed, those unmentioned, and the family, there is also a special category, those who hate my guts, who all have provided invaluable input and opportunity.
it is indeed a rather sobering thought to come to terms with the fact that there are out there a few people, not many, who actually hate me. i think of three. two i met in california. i think they somehow meant well, but another fact is also that my being does not make for very digestible fodder for the the spirit, even if only in rare occasions.
